im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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