Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The best revenge is premature balding
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
