I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
