well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
