It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
