Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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