remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
