its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
