Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
