She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
