i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
