Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
