Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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