he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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