I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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