all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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