Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
