how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
