my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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