haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
