Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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