Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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