But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
