can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
