Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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