Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
