wrigley field is MILF paradise
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
