I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
