This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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