I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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