I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
