I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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