Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
