my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
