just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
