I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
