i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
