Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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