if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
