Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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