I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
