everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
