Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
