we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
