I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
