you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
