If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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