the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
