my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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