Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
